Song of the day: EXP Edition - Stress

Hello, dear Reader! Right now I'm kind of living the life a bit. I'm laying in bed, typing this on my cute pink HP netbook, which is just the cutest computer this side of the OG iBook. I feel very mid-late 00s like this! I really love the gradual 2000s-ification of my technology life, between this (although this technically came out in 2014 and I got it in 2015, I think netbooks in general are just very 00s) and my iMac being my main computer. And of course, one can't forget the iPod! And the other day, I spend an hour IMing with Blue (and occasionally Green), and since I'm using an alternative client for that IM service that starts with a D, and I themed the sound effects to sound like AIM, the effect is improved! So beside the fact that I had to use my modern MacBook the other day, and I also (still, ugh) have a smartphone, I feel very 00s. :)

But anyways, how has this week been? Umm... :|

Busy, to say the least. First, I had to work on my final speech for public speaking (not a fun task) a ton, and I've had to start studying for my compsci final. Which was bad enough, until Wednesday night, which about caused an aneurysm.

I was in English, and my friend was giving a presentation, when suddenly hella people from my freshman seminar (and by hella people I mean 4, 3 of which were in a single group text thread) talking about a surprise final essay he had just sent to us. WTF?!?!? So naturally, I'm pretty bent out of shape about this. Because I looked on the class Web-site and guess what? The final period was listed as Monday. Five days to brainstorm, outline, write and revise a relatively long, high-quality, in-depth essay, with no prior warning, in the middle of finals week. I think you can guess how that went over with the students, myself included. Our professor was... persona non grata that evening.

And so I was sitting at one of the on-campus restaurants, on the phone with my mum talking her ear off and blowing steam out my ears as I kept texting my classmates throughout the night. Eventually, one of my classmates in the group chat sent him an angry, kind of passive-aggressive e-mail (of which she sent us a screenshot, and oh boy was it something! But she was saying what we were all feeling). He sends back a defensive, passive-aggressive e-mail saying that Monday wasn't really the due date, and we would talk about it in our next class period.

Well, that class period came, and he said that a week from that day would actually be the deadline. Oh, and the essay was optional. record scratch Wait, what?!? Yeah, somehow he had neglected to mention the (IMHO) most important part of the assignment: that it was just a bonus assignment if you wanted to raise your grade! My grade in that class is good enough for me, so the sigh of relief I let out in that moment was probably tornado-level wind. And so I went from being tenser than a meeting between Harris and Trump (ha, a relevant political joke that manages not to take sides!) to being pretty relaxed! And so the rest of my week passed pretty breezily.

Until last night to this afternoon. For some reason, every time this semester that I've had a computer science exam, there's always an evening where I'm studying for it, and suddenly get really depressed that I don't have a boyfriend and haven't really ever properly had one. Yes, I get it, I'm only 18, but I'm also trans, and just that brings my odds of finding a guy way down. I'm a romantic at heart, and I want someone to share my life with, you know? A soulmate. I've always kind of believed in soulmates, and even if people rail against the idea, it's one I can never seem to let go of. I think it's because I believe in God's plan--I have a rooting for this kind of idea in my faith. But I just want to find the Jim to my Pam, the Colonel Brandon to my Marianne, the Tom to my Jas (wow, that's digging deep for references, isn't it?), or the Bill to my Charlene.

(Come to think of it, I've always really related to Charlene from Designing Women. I mean, we're both from Missouri, from smallish towns and from farming families, we're both chatterboxes, and we're both nostalgic romantics--although instead of iPods and the 2000s, she's nostalgic for World War II. Come to think of it, we're both nostalgic for times we weren't really around for. But anyways, the point is, I just want to find someone, but it feels often like the only way to find someone is Tinder or whatever, which is just so... it kind of feels like a factory farm but with dating? Not my preference.

Actually, I was just talking about it with Blue the other day, and he said he felt like I was destined to have some romantic meet-cute, not meet someone on an app, and I agree 1000% personality-wise. But you never know, and the heartbreaking thing is that statistically, there's almost zero chance that I guy I would meet from a meet-cute would be interested in me, since I'm trans. Of course, I would never force anyone to like trans people or call them transphobic or anything, but it's still really hard and depressing. I like to stay happy and bubbly and optimistic and fun, but sometimes, when I think of this kind of stuff, it's easy to lose hope.

But I DIGRESS!! All of this is just to explain why last night and the first half of today sucked. I felt depressed and I had to really muster my energy to study this morning. I basically just stayed in my pyjamas most of the day. It was not pretty. But I'm feeling better now, although I have to admit that recounting all that here kind of drudged up some of the feelings again. But I don't know. I just have to try my best to stay hopeful and be proactive, however the heck I choose to do that. For lack of a better option, maybe I should try the apps--it's not like there's any guy I fancy presently, and last time I fancied a guy in any of my classes or anything (the Cutie Patootie, for those who may remember) I realized after the fact that he was SO not right for me. But we'll see. Next semester means a whole new crop of people! New friends, new guys... maybe Mr. Right is waiting right around the corner, hey? (ha ha!)

But that turned into a very long post, and kind of a downer. I didn't mean for it to do so, and I'm not entirely sure if anyone reads my blog anyway, but it felt good to just pour my heart out. I still have my computer science final Tuesday, and then after that I have to write my English take-home final, which is due Friday, since I already had my public speaking final speech (though I have to redo a bit of that) and my freshman seminar turned out to be optional, and my French class wasn't going to have anything. But I could've left after Tuesday, except that my English professor misinterpreted a letter from the dean and made attendance at the final period mandatory. UGH. But at least I get to sit around my dorm and have fun for a while! I actually like my dorm. It feels uncluttered compared to my room at home, like a fresh start, even. BUT that's all for this time. TTFN!

Published on Saturday, December 7, 2024, at 11:35 PM.

Song of the day: Ally Hills - Black Friday

Holy crappoli, only two posts last month! Well, expect more this month, because I'm in the final stretch---or rather, the finals stretch!! (ba dum tss) But I'll get to school later. First, I'll talk about Thanksgiving break, and specifically, one interesting part of it---Black Friday! When I was a kid, I would always hear my aunt and cousin making their Black Friday game plan on Thanksgiving at out family gathering, and every year I would beg my poor mum, to please go Black Friday shopping! And every year, my reasonable mum would refuse to take a 6-year-old Black Friday shopping, thank God. But this year, I finally convinced her! We went into town (late in the morning, mind you---I don't have the energy to wake up at 5:00 AM like my aunt and cousin) and went to the mall, and it was splendid!! We went to the used CD and DVD store, which was having a three-for-the-price-of-one doorbuster!! I ended up getting two seasons of The Office and the first season of Glee, because it was actually only over certain specific items, most of which didn't interest me. But I got a Wii nunchuk and a good amount of other DVDs and CDs!! Their K-pop selection seems more and more monotonous and meagre every time I go (aespa, NCT and BTS, mostly, none of which I'm fans of, and sometimes if I'm lucky a group where I liked one of their songs once) but I found a B1A4 album for pretty cheap so I figured I'd buy it.

We somehow managed to refrain from buying anything at the book store in the mall (despite the large tables full of books for cheap), but GameStop was my undoing. I got a good amount of games there, though in my defense some were gifts! And there was a buy two get one deal on used games. But the real rub was that the cashier didn't even ask me if I wanted the warranties at all, he just said "with the warranties that comes out to $blah". And when I looked at the receipt... well, it wasn't pretty. (A $50 warranty for a $60 game!!) So my mum's going to try and get a refund on the warranties. God willing, she will, because they were insane! But I did get some cool games for the Switch---Minecraft, Paper Mario Thousand Year Door and Ni No Kuni II! And I bought a visual novel from Amazon called B Project: Ryusei Fantasia, where you play as an idol boygroup's manager---it seems like a non-gacha version of BTS World in a way! My gosh, I used to be addicted to that game!

Besides that, my break was decent, but not splendid. I had a lot of schoolwork to do over break (and I only did the bare necessities) and on Monday, I made the mistake of getting my flu shot and my COVID booster at the same time. That night I was just a bit meh, but Tuesday I was dead to the world all friggin' day. 'Twas hellish! And I had two Thanksgivings, one of which was kind of dull and the other of which (with cousins #2, #3 and #4) was so eventful and tiring I could barely handle it. Whatever happened to happy mediums?!?

And now it's finally finals season. But my freshman seminar was cancelled tomorrow---hallelujah!! I'm so done with that class---thank God, I'll just stay in my room and play Pokemon instead or something. And I have no clue what the heck our final essay is going to be over on top of that, and it's due in a week. And I have to keep practising for my final speech for public speaking, AND study for my compsci final, which are this coming Friday and the Tuesday after, respectively. Who made this schedule?!? But it is at least looking like I'm going to get to go home a day or two early!! My English professor is trying to cram our final presentations in so we don't have to be present for the final period, and if that ends up happening I guess I'll be glad. I will miss my dorm room, though---in some ways I even prefer it to my room at home. I don't know.

And it snowed this morning! I didn't sleep the best last night but waking up to snow out the windows made up for it. :D Although sadly none of my classes today were cancelled! Oh well. It's mostly melted now, but it was really pretty this morning! But that's about it for this time, because I have to start getting ready for bed. I really do miss working on the site and blogging more often, but soon I'll have the time for it! So I'll talk to all y'all soon! Toodles! :)

Published on Monday, December 2, 2024, at 10:18 PM.